Trying to figure out how to deal with difficult family members can be exhausting, overwhelming, and frustrating. Let’s talk about how to cope with challenging family members and how to take care of yourself during these interactions.
How to Deal With Difficult Family Members
If you’re struggling to navigate a difficult relationship with a family member, you can level the playing field and neutralize some challenges. Start by reminding yourself that you have no control over someone else’s actions and behaviors. All you can control is how you respond to them.
Here are some tips for effectively managing a difficult relationship with a family member.
Think Positive
While it might be hard to see beyond what you find challenging, take some time to think about what you appreciate about a family member. When you’re together, thinking about what you like about them will make it easier to avoid only zeroing in on their faults.
Meet Somewhere Neutral
Choosing a location where you both feel at ease can create a calmer atmosphere for your time together. Meeting in public can encourage people to be on their “best behavior” since they don’t want to attract attention or make a scene.
Mentally Prepare
If you know you have a gathering coming up where you will interact with difficult family members, use your experience and knowledge to your advantage and prepare yourself.
For example, if your aunt always criticizes your career choice or makes insensitive remarks about you not having children, think about how you want to respond. Knowing what you want to say in tough conversations can help you avoid being surprised by them and feel less stressed out during the interaction.
Have Empathy
Your difficult family member probably wasn’t born that way, but their life experiences have made them bitter and angry. When you’re getting annoyed by their behavior, try to look at the situation empathetically.
While having a hard life doesn’t excuse their behavior, it can help you gain some perspective on their words and actions.
If you’re feeling a little kinder toward a family member who is challenging to be around, you also might find it easier to let things “roll off your back” or even look at them with a little stress-relieving humor.
Avoid Hot Topics and Sensitive Subjects
Communicating with a difficult family member can be challenging, but you probably have at least some idea of what tends to “push their buttons” in a conversation.
If conversations about religion, politics, or money usually lead to heated arguments, try your best to avoid these topics when you’re conversing with certain members of your family. If they insist on discussing issues that make you uncomfortable, consider just listening to what they have to say without engaging in a response.
Sometimes, people want to discuss controversial or touchy subjects because they like the drama. But if you’re not arguing with them or trying to prove a point, they’ll probably tire of talking about it. That said, you also have the right to excuse yourself from a conversation that’s making you uncomfortable.
Pay Attention to Your Emotions
If you’re spending a lot of time with a difficult family member, check in with yourself often and keep tabs on your emotions. Know your limits and watch your stress level. If you’re upset or stressed out, try deep breathing or other relaxation techniques.
Also, look for opportunities to get a break, like going to the restroom or taking the dog for a walk. And if the interaction becomes too much, don’t be afraid to cut the visit short.
Avoid Drama
It can be challenging not to react when a family says something outrageous or obnoxious, but you must pause before responding.
What you say should be calm and measured to prevent arguments and keep you from getting pulled into the drama. You can respectfully and actively listen to your family members without getting wrapped up in the heat of the moment.
You’ve probably heard the advice to “pick your battles,” but that can be a confusing one when it feels like every conversation you have with a family member is a fight. If you’re not sure you can avoid getting sucked in and efforts to redirect the conversation (like changing the topic) haven’t worked, it might be best to step away.
Don’t Try to Fix Things
If you are at a family get-together and an argument starts or a family member has a meltdown, resist the urge to rush in and try to fix the situation. This also applies as you’re dealing with a family member over time—don’t try to “save” or “fix” them. Unless they ask you for advice, don’t give it or try to pressure them into doing or saying something differently.
Refrain From People-Pleasing
You may want to step in and try to be the mediator when family members are fighting, or you may shy away from your truth when confronted because you don’t want to upset someone.
But people-pleasing is not an effective way to interact with difficult family members and can hurt you in the long run. When you constantly put other people ahead of yourself in these situations, you lose sight of your needs.
When to Cut Off Contact With a Toxic Family Member
If your relationship with your family member is painful or abusive, the best thing for your mental well-being might be to avoid any contact with them rather than try to take steps to “make it work.”
That said, you may still see a family member you’ve cut off contact with at certain events, like weddings or funerals. Here’s how to prepare if you know you’ll have to interact with them:
- Set boundaries. Decide ahead of time what things you will not tolerate and what you will do if your family member crosses a line. You don’t have to share your boundaries with them unless you want to. Just make sure you honor them.
- Give yourself permission to leave. Never force yourself to endure abuse for the sake of your family. If a family member verbally abuses you or bullies you, you’re allowed to leave.
- Be selective about what information you share. Unfortunately, toxic family members are often not trustworthy. Be careful about the information you give them. People who abuse others often use personal information to their advantage and may break your confidence by telling others or using the information you’ve given them to manipulate you.
- Consider talking with a counselor. Dealing with a difficult family relationship can be very stressful and take a lot out of you emotionally. Make sure you are getting help from a mental health professional. They can guide you through your interactions with difficult family members and help you take care of yourself in the process.
It might feel unfair that you are the only one trying to find ways to navigate a difficult family relationship, but remember that the only thing you can control in the situation is your behavior.
Learning how to cope with difficult family relationships and navigate challenging family dynamics can benefit you in the long run. Once you have the right tools, these interactions will probably become less stressful. You’ll also be able to use those coping strategies with other difficult people in your life, such as challenging coworkers or friends.
References
Gordon, S. (2023, November 1). How to Deal With Difficult Family Members. Retrieved from https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-navigate-difficult-relationships-with-family-5120173
